Merry Christmas! All the things!

It’s nearly 11pm here and I am cuddled under a blanket in a tiny uncomfortable twin bed in the guest room of my moms new house. Today was stressful but not terrible. It was really hard having D so far away. Some of me worries we are too attached so far, but the rest of me is like “who cares?” – what’s so wrong with loving someone and wanting to see them. I know I’m fine without him, I’m a big girl. I’d just like him here. I miss cuddles and seeing his happy surprised face. I miss seeing all his facial expressions – including his serious face which never lasts long!

I also would have loved to be with him – either there or here – for all the family tradition stuff! This year it was only my mom & her new husband, me, and my aunt Michelle. My brother and (soon-to-be) sister-in-law decided to stay at their house this year as they just moved in a few months ago. It was really weird to not have them here this morning. I didn’t like it and I struggled a lot. Christmas is already hard for me, as it’s one of the last times I saw my dad alive, twelve years ago actually. With my mom married and having changed her name, I feel even further away from my family. Also, I think it’s because I moved away, but my mom always gets me less than my brother and anyone else for Christmas. It sounds really selfish (because it is!) and I feel guilty every year, but watching other people (especially someone else’s kids – her husbands) open all cool gifts and most of mine are knick knacks that will just take up space, kind of sucks. I open all my gifts and she said “I have one more but it’s for your birthday.” It was exactly what I asked for – a Soda Stream – but I hate that I can’t manage to get nice things for both my birthday and Christmas. I suppose it’s partly my fault too. I stopped giving her a list because she always bitches that everything is too expensive but I’m not 12 anymore. I don’t need/want dollar store toys. So she asks what I want and I say nothing because even the little things seem extravagant and luxurious to her.

Oh well, I know a lot of people don’t get anything at all – I’m just tired of having to sit and watch everyone else. It makes me sad. I’d rather get a lot less and have it be nicer or practical compared to felt wine glass rings (do people use them?) and (Halloween!) cardboard coasters…

Then we got into a fight because she made comments about things she’s going to give to my brother & SIL – like her china that she already gave them. From her wedding. To my dad. Who I am still quite attached to, compared to them. While my brother is probably never going to get married!! It hurt a lot. She gave them her couch when she moved (brand new!). I pointed out that she has other kids, including an actual daughter, not just a DIL. I’m very sentimental. Owning things that my parents it grandparents owned is very important to me. It just always has been.


I spent Sunday – Tuesday with my grandparents (who were actually my moms foster parents so are the only family I’ve ever known on her side) and aunts which was great fun. They’re nice to be around. My one aunt just found out she’s pregnant. With twins! Fraternal boys! I am so excited for them, even though dad is freaking out. They already have a little girl who will be 2 a few weeks either before, or after, the twins are born. Good timing, eh?

Tomorrow we will see more family and then come back to my moms. She will drive me back home to the city on Friday. We may stop to see my SIL but I’m not sure. I cannot wait to be home! I am going to clean my room, clean all the things! Saturday I’m having a little pre-birthday and that will be fun. Again, I wish D was here but i think part of not being attached is to do things I normally would. Not to act like he doesn’t exist, or not consider him, but to still do things even if he can’t be here. I miss feeling his body near mine – touch is so important to my psyche. We can talk essentially whenever we want, but it’s not always clear and we can’t touch. But soon! One week!!

I will leave you with this…the new panties I bought yesterday (errrr one of 5 pair!) that I will apparently get spanked for buying. I figured I might as well wear them šŸ˜‰

Merry Christmas y’all!


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Shadow Lane 2007 vs 2012 – The Beginning

Five years ago this summer, I attended my first Shadow Lane party. It was extremely exciting andĀ exhilarating. Below is the report I wrote for that party. Reading this, and other reports from first Shadow Lane parties (hereĀ andĀ here) has me reminiscing and thinking about how much I’ve changed. I wasn’t even ME back then. I wasn’t Marie. I was Kate James. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I wrote this on my then blog, a Live Journal (90% of the photo links are broken), which is still live by the way. I refuse to delete it or change it, because it’s important that it be there for me to see into my past. I’d share the second part of the party report I wrote for that, but it’s on the LJ and a horrificallyĀ embarrassingĀ essay from a completely terrified, insecure, and depressed 18 year old me! Below is the first part of the party report I wrote.

That Shadow Lane, which took place the summer of 2007, when I was 18 and had already shot with Clare Fonda, Chelsea Pfieffer, Kelly Payne, and Northern Spanking, was a turning point for me. It’s when I first started to realize I wasn’t really Kate. It, unfortunately, took me a lot longer to come to know who I actually was, but I eventually introduced myself to Marie, and fell in love with the person I knew she could be.


On Friday I headed out to a nearby Mall with my dear friend Bella. We were on a mission to find the perfect dress. Four hours, 17 dresses, 4 pairs of shoes, and some leggings later, I had the dress. It was short, coral pink and satiny. My shoes were silver and sparkly. Perfect. I also finally invested in some real grown up makeup with the MUCH appreciated help of Bella. Back at the hotel I mingled with some friends before getting ready for the Vendor’s Fair. I wore tight jeans and a tank top. I was feeling very happy with my new haircut and all. Looking good puts me in a good mood.

The first person I met was Eve Howard. She is a sweetheart in person. I was honored to have been invited to vend with Clare Fonda at this party and headed over to her table right away. I set up my small binder of DVDs from Scotland and we got started selling the stock we had.

Emily Jane was wearing a hot little white one piece jumper and I simply could not stop touching her bum. As soon as the rest of the SL crowd was allowed in we started selling. Both our DVDs flew off the table and we happily signed each and every copy – and even gave out some spankings as well.

At one point we said we would kiss if someone bought both DVDs…but he walked away! Oops! I was also able to sell some of the Northern Spanking DVDs. If you’d like any, let me know and I’ll tell you what titles I have!!!

Tom aka Wood Paddles stopped by from his table where he was vending his hand made paddles. They are such an excellent quality. He brought me some toys I had been eager to aquire. See, Tom makes something we call a “C-Strap”. Hot damn! This has got to be my favorite toy ever! It’s the perfect amount of thud and feels great!

Taking a break from vending, I headed around the tables to meet and greet. It was SUCH a pleasure to meet Veronica and Dr. D. They are such a nice real couple! Veronica was very sweet and made me blush with her compliments! I was flattered! I also bought one of their t-shirts from them.

The first table I stopped at to buy from was Kitty’s Paddles. I, thankfully, was able to snag her last cocobola paddle. Yay!

I also headed over to the Amateur Spankings table and met Gary and Philly and Amber – people who I had chatted with before and I was eager to meet. I stopped by and introduced myself to Dallas as the one who had seen her first spanking video at the age of 13 and it just happened to be one of his! šŸ™‚

Meeting Pixie was great. I think she’s more cute in person! She was a sweetie. We didn’t get to talk much but I am sure we will connect through e-mail.

Many many people introduced themselves, including one who said she had wanted to meet me more than anyone after reading my posts on here and my blog! I am flattered! Ah! So sweet.

During the vending there was some spanking at our table. I spanked Clare, and Emily Jane. Emily Jane spanked me. Clare’s partner and cameraman who I’ll call D because I don’t know if he wants his name here, spanked me. And I spanked Clare and Emily at the same time!


So there you have it, the first Shadow Lane party report I ever wrote. This years, will come next, and will probably be quite different. While I think I can always keep improving, I think the person I am now is way better, cooler, nicer, happier and more fun than the person I was 5 years ago.

– Marie

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A Return?

This past weekend was the annual Shadow Lane spanking party in Las Vegas. It’s been exactly five years since I was able to attend, so going was a rather big deal for me. In the time since I announced my departure from blogging I have come to thrive in the twitter and Fetlife communities online, and the local NYC BDSM communities. I’ve been in relationships, graduated from college, and moved four times. Life has been hectic, and crazy and more often than not, quite confusing. At the same time, however, it’s been kind of awesome.

Since I got back from Vegas last night, I’ve been thinking a lot about the influx of blog posts that would be coming in. I suddenly missed being a part of this community. I had a great talk with a newer spanking model this weekend and it affirmed why I left that part of the community. I know it wasn’t right for me – but it’s hard to deny that I miss the attention. The fact is, I’ve changed a lot in the last five years since I began in the scene. It’s not a surprise, I certainly knew I would change as a person, but I never could have imagine how I would change.

I think I may get back into blogging – if not to explain to all of you how I’ve changed, then to myself, perhaps. For now, I am going to sleep and try to fight off the drop from Shadow Lane (and my post Shadow Lane activities).

– Marie

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Advent Blog Day 9: Gramma’s House!

Hey – I was traveling most of today and then spending time with my mom and grandma so I didn’t get a chance to blog. But I am now! Kind of. Not a bad day but I’m tired so off I go! I will write something longer and better tomorrow, promise!


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